


The path of Grief

by Midknite



Category: Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 10:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14714132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midknite/pseuds/Midknite
Summary: Judar is gone and Hakuryuu experiences life after his battle against Aladdin and Alibaba.





	The path of Grief

Hakuryuu could never imagine that he would go through that feeling of loss again, years after having lost his brothers. After the fight against Alibaba and Aladdin he was being followed back to the palace by a cheerful voice.

****

_Hakuryuu, you should be emperor!_

****

Never in his wildest dreams he thought he could mourn someone that bad. He never thought he would lose Judar.

****

The next day Aladdin had pushed the fallen Magi to the heavens, Hakuryuu was in a catatonic state, feeling a cool numbness in his face and hands. He had slept for an entire day. When he opened his eyes the next afternoon he was still in disbelief, maybe it was all a horrible dream, probably Judar would enter his room and bother him with lunch and Hakuryuu would tell him to shut up and it's too early for lunch, and Judar would make some commentary about how peach-brunch was better than lunch and…

****

“Any minute now…”

****

He waited for an hour, still immobile in bed. Hakuryuu didn’t cry, he could feel nothing, he wasn’t cold or warm, didn’t feel an itch or the wetness of his sweat sliding in his sideburns, he wasn’t even in pain. His legs were missing but he didn’t thought of them, they were just discarded to the side, but Judar…

****

Hakuryuu stood up and stopped on his way outside to watch his face in the mirror, that person didn’t look like him, he had eyes of different colors, a scar on his face and a mole under his lips but it didn’t feel like him. He was only an empty doll, like those Al-Thamen puppets, so empty.

****

There was something comforting and reliable about having a magi, they felt indestructible, powerful and relentless. The rukh and the world loved them. Lord Aladdin’s borg guarded him from danger, always, Lady Scheherazade was alive for centuries, how in the world would he expect that there was a way to disappear Judar without a trace?

****

No, it couldn’t be, Judar couldn’t be gone forever. He was going to be back. He was just taking his time… He was lost somewhere in the sky, he was coming back for sure...

 

A couple of weeks later he felt an excruciating pain in his gut, the drag on his feet showed the weight on him was almost unbearable. Now he was really alone, he walked through the halls like a tormented soul. However, he could not cry still. Everything bottled up inside him, like a raging dormant volcano.

****

The howl of memories reverberated in his ribs, every time he closed his eyes he saw the dark double rings on Judar’s irises. He saw from the balcony how the workers built the base of Judar’s tomb, he had no body to watch and make a funeral service for but he did it regardless, he could also make a resting place for his better half. A worthy place where people could remember the priest Magi of Kou Empire with awe.

****

As the days passed and he watched from the balcony how the mausoleum rose there was one more feeling inside him. Remorse. So much guilt pooled on Hakuryuu’s mind. He could’ve taken Judar’s hand earlier in life, he could’ve accept going to all his dungeons, he could’ve let him kiss his lips more than once when they were teenagers, he could’ve let him hold him a little longer, he could’ve make more desserts for him, he could’ve…

****

All the time he lost being stubborn about Judar’s role in the Organization… All the time lost, all the moments he could have spent at his side, and all the smiles he missed.

****

Every night there was a dream about the magi and the memory of his disappearance played on his mind as Hakuryuu was awaken daily, damp in sweat and room spinning around him. He should have made a stronger microbe, one that held his magi’s body tighter. Why oh why did that stubborn idiot broke the branches to face Lord Aladdin all alone? Why didn’t he made another microbe again, and force the magi to obey his orders? It was his fault Judar was gone, it was all his fault.

****

His powers changed as well. He didn’t have the emotional strength to use Belial, how could he? It was a symbol of his union with his magi, it was what tied him to Judar. He had to use Zagan to function, but the microbes that used to be strong and healthy around him, came out dark and diseased, the bark becoming brittle, leaves falling and limbs dying. The flowers he used to make bloomed wide and their buds were fresh with tight petals, now every flower he made withered to death. He would never give his plants spring again if there was an unending winter inside him.

****

Hakuryuu sat down to eat, forcing the food to go down his throat, all the food tasted like water in his mouth. His counselors were beside him trying to convince him it was time to remove Judar from the long term plans.

****

“He is gone, majesty, the Eastern army must be trained further in order to weaken Kouen and his siblings.”

****

“He is not gone. He is somewhere out there, looking for a way to come back.”

****

“I understand you can't let go yet. But it would be best if you accept Judar’s death.”

****

“HE’S NOT DEAD!” His yell of bursting fury crossed the room while his hand slammed all the dishes to the floor with all his might, they crashed loudly at his feet.

****

One week later in a mission of negotiation Kougyoku - who was outside of the palace for diplomatic reasons, trying to talk her cousin to his five senses again - requested to visit Judar’s tomb.

****

“He is out there, somewhere.” Hakuryuu had whispered.

****

“He is not coming back, is he? Never, he is gone for good.” Kougyoku replied with a saddened face.

****

“He will come back.”

****

“You made a tomb for him. You know deep down he won’t.”

****

Hakuryuu’s teeth ground, “they’ll all pay for this.”

****

“Hakuryuu, no one has the blame for this.”

****

“EVERYONE HAS THE BLAME FOR THIS!” Hakuryuu’s roar made Kougyoku jump in place, covering her mouth with the sleeve.

****

“Hakuryuu!”

****

“Leave this place or you will be imprisoned for betrayal and conspiring against the emperor!”

****

He left the place with no more words and quick steps, Kougyoku followed after. She was worried, not only for his siblings, also for him, she had never seen him like that. She tried to call the emperor but he seemed deaf to her pleas, war was upon them and Hakuryuu would take her brothers captive, but he was family, he was loved by them and he just couldn’t see it.

****

The emperor walked under the night sky looking at the place where Judar had disappeared. “Judar…” He called quietly “Judar, Judar,” he kept on, louder each time ”Judar, Judar, JUDAR! WHERE ARE YOU!? Where are you? WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE..?!”

****

Kougyou couldn’t cope with it, she had to run away, sobbing by the thought of his friend gone and the heart-breaking screams of her cousin. She ran back to the path they took while the murmur of the shattering voice of the emperor could be heard at the distance went silent.

****

Slow steps entered the mausoleum like those of a dead man walking, his boots made an echo on its marble walls, he ran a hand on the stone coffin and pressed his forehead against it.

****

Hakuryuu’s voice was hoarse, it had a throaty grunt caused by the damage he had done to his vocal chords. His larynx felt as if he had pass a sea urchin through it.

****

“Hey, Judar, I will do whatever you want if you come back, I will give you all the desserts you want, I will hear the exaggerated stories of your adventures. I will tuck you to bed at night, I will let you go wander to wherever you desire-”

****

His eyes burned as if the tears were made of acid, “- and I will come with you this time, and I will never leave your side. I will kiss you, however you want me to and as many times as you ask me to.” There was no response from the impavid stone, of course there wouldn’t be. The emperor started crying at last, after so many weeks of numb enclosure. His cheeks were wet with tears and he talked with convulsive gasps. “Please, Judar, don’t tell me I will never see you again.”

****

The lone king in his lone kingdom cried and cried, making his collar wet holding the tombstone with Judar’s name. He wept for hours until his eyes were dry again. “Please, come back.” He wanted to be dead too, he wanted to escape his misery, but that’s not what Judar would have wanted, he would have wanted him to live on. And that was torture, but he would do it, he would toss aside his selfish desires for Judar.

****

Once the clothes of emperor were on his shoulders he knew he had to do what he could to function as monarch , just like his father did. But deep inside, Hakuryuu felt as if there was someone sitting on his chest, something was inside ready to burst. He had sacrificed so much to be sitting on that throne, the crown was heavy but not as much as whatever he carried in his chest, it felt like a void but it had the weight of Judar’s tomb.

****

Judar’s scent still lingered in his room, maintaining the open wounds of his heart. He was morbidly glad to leave the palace when he had to run away. He didn’t had the strength to take Belial with him, he was not worthy of it anymore. He walked past the back door with Zagan on his hand while the words of Aladdin echoed his mind, how indeed would he live from then on? The past weeks were hell, how would months, or years will feel like without Judar? He finally realized the magnitude of his loss.

****

Aladdin and Morgiana had lost someone as well, he couldn’t understand why he was the only one that woke up with a worn out face and dark circles under his eyes. He knew for a fact that they weren’t over it yet, but Aladdin looked so hopeful and Morgiana so stoic. But Hakuryuu? No, every time he drank more than a glass of beer he was appalled to find himself in the verge of tears, talking incessantly about Judar moments by his side. Waking up with swollen eyes and wet cheeks, trying to forget, and not wanting to.

****

He felt like he was the only one being pathetic, he lived for training and drew no joy for life.

****

The three friends had supported each other in their loss and they gave hope to the other, but there was a void Hakuryuu couldn’t fill with anybody, nobody’s encouragement was helpful, at all. He was getting on with his life, pushing fiercely against the days that seemed labyrinths, he continued to live on, yes. However, his days were long, busy with of training and cool reflection. Just as Aladdin had warned him before, living without Judar was the ultimate challenge.

****

Sometimes he wanted to close his eyes in a waking stasis, sweet evanescence.

****

He trained hard, he could find something to live for, thanks to his family and friends. Kouen’s inspiring rukh soothed his agony, but it didn’t take it away. It didn’t give him back the air to breathe freely again, or his drive to live happily. His smiles were rare and his short laughters tasted like pain.

****

Months became years and there was still a dim shadow, serene and eternal, flicking over his solitude everytime he woke up in the middle of the night. One night he rubbed his eyes, and stood up, going out or a midnight stroll. Thinking that perhaps one day he would get a full night sleep, and maybe one day he would not feel isolated or dwell on the memories of having a dear one fighting alongside him. Have one day to not think or miss someone who didn’t need words to know what he was feeling, someone who understood his thoughts and who he could rely on, no matter what.

****

Hakuryuu moved his numb fingers, having a regression of the past, feeling Judar’s ghost hand grabbing his, walking towards the end of the world and beyond. _Together as one against all others,_  as Judar used to say _._ But if Judar came back, there would be no ‘against’ or ‘others’ anymore, just ‘together’, ‘together as one’. The countries, their wars, the world and everything else would not matter, it would only matter Judar.

****

Hakuryuu saw a white, bright, shooting star crossing the far East sky, barely visible. It was almost as if it had a serpent movement, he thought the dark continent was a strange place and even its stars were odd. A thought crossed his mind and he sighed, he was too old for this, but it wouldn’t hurt. Hakuryuu closed his eyes and wished upon the star.

****

_Please, please, bring me Judar back._

**Author's Note:**

> I came to crush your heart and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of bubblegum.
> 
>  
> 
> Yes, i know, I feel hurt just by writing it. Have you guys ever lost someone you loved? It feels like this, it’s so hard to move on.


End file.
